I'M SO AFRAID.
BUT I CAN'T LEAVE HOME.
I M TRAPPED. N LOST. N ALONE.
& i guess.
i can't take it anymore....
THINGS AT HOME ARE UNPREDICTABLE N STORMY.
THE ONLY TIME I FEEL SECURE, IS WHEN I'M HOME ALONE.
WHEN I LOCK MYSELF IN, N STAY UP THROUGH THE NIGHT.ASSURING MYSELF THINGS'LL BE FINE.
I'M TRYING VERY HARD TO BE BRAVE.
I KNOW WE'LL OVERCOME THIS.
LIKE ALL THE UPHEAVALS/THUNDERSTORMS/DRAMAS WE SURVIVED.
I KNOW EVERYBODY'LL TELL US TO BE POSITIVE.
SAY ALL THE GOOD THINGS N WORDS OF COMFORT N ENCOURAGEMENT OR WATEVA.
ASK ME TO BE STRONG.
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
BUT I DUN WAN TO TRY ANYMORE.TRYING TO BE STRONG IS TOUGH.
N I ADMIT I'M A LOSER. I'M BRITTLE.I'M A DAMN CRYBABY.
NOW, ALL I FEEL LIKE IS GIVING UP.WHEN THESE FEELINGS HAUNT ME.
i dun understand why things can't stay the same.
why the rainbow must shine after the thunderstorms.
why give us happiness when it NEVER LASTS.
why i'VE to learn to be strong only to face the storm agn.
why my frens love me dearly.
why u pull me close yet push me away mercilessly.
why i must get hurt to grow up.
thanks. n i dun f******-care abt the answers.
i know the answers anw.
I HAD A HAPPY FAMILY.
BUT THINGS CHANGED.
EVER SINCE DAD'S DRINK-DRIVE COURT CASE.
OUTCOME: DRIVING LICENSE SUSPENDED FOR 2YRS. FINE OF $7000PLUS.
Though I always pretend.
& i still am, I try my hardest:
i smile and joke n act silly like I'm nt affected,
just hoping to lighten the ominous mood at home.
Bits-n-pieces of my folks' conversation rings in my head like a torture..
i do know how bad things are.
N THINGS JUST GET WORSE DUN THEY..............I KNOW THE GAME V WELL.
THE WHOLE FAMILY ON MY DAD'S SIDE HAD TO HELP MY COUSIN SETTLE HER LOANSHARK DISPUTE.
YA. EVRYONE DID HELP, LIKE 3-4K?
BY WHY MY DAD HAD TO FORK OUT 10K?
OF COURSE, MUM WAS UNHAPPY, N THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT AGN.
I GUESS MUM WAS RIGHT: WHO'S GOING TO HELP US? WHERE WERE THEY WHEN WE HAD PROBLEMS? DID THEY EVEN CARE?
THOUGH A MAN OF FEW WORDS,
I CAN FEEL HOW DISAPPOINTED N DEJECTED HE IS.
N HOW MUCH HE VALUES PRIDE, LIKE ME.
I CAN IMAGINE HOW SOMEONE WHO HAS OWN A CAR FOR 20-OVER YRS FEELS, WHEN HE LOSES EVERYTHING.SUDDENLY.
IF ONLY I CAN LIGHTEN HIS LOAD.
IT REALLY BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE HIM TRYING TO ACT COOL IN FRONT OF US.
I CAN UDS WHY, ALL THE MORE HE ABUSES ALCOHOL.
I KNOW MUM LOVES US DEARLY.
SHE'S V WORRIED ABT MY DAD, AND US.
BUT HER WORRIES ONLY AGGRAVATES HER SHORT-TEMPER.
N MY FEAR.
I KNOW IT'S USELESS TO PLEAD HER TO STOP YELLING HERSELF HOARSE AT US.
SCREAMING AT DAD OVER THE PHONE.
HANGING UP ON US.BANGING THE DOORS.
RIGHT, DAD JUST CAME HOME DEAD-DRUNK WHEN ALL OF US WERE WATCHING TV IN THE LIVING RM, N I THINK HE JUST COLLAPSED IN THE RM RIGHT AFT SHOWER.
MUM WAS ANGRY AGN , SO SHE OPENED THE DOOR REAL HARD.
I ONLY KNEW I HEARD A V LOUD BANG.
...................
......
.
it was dad's head.
he didn't collapse on the bed, but the floor........
all of us panicked. i was trembling with fear.
dad was blocking entry into the room, his head precariously near to the door.
so how on earth is mum going to slp tonite?
mum asked me to squeeze into the rm, thru wateve lil gap the door n my dad's head could allow. i m glad i could. n my dad was still frightening.dead-drunk.no matter how many times i called him.
he just didnt. wake.
i m useless. i can't carry him to the bed.
all i could manage was to pull him further away frm the door.
i duno y i m blogging abt all these.
I'M JUST SO TERRIFIED.
see, i m sorry for this blog entry. but pls leave me alone.
dun ask me to be strong or fine. i m sick of trying.
i noe u all care. thanks alot.
