Dear Diary,

*What I am going to say now is highly private and censor-able and it's extremely self-pity content I know.
Damn.*

I'm sick of my life.
Not to the point of dying/slitting my wrists.
I noe there are ppl worse off than me.

But,
I'm just sick of being friends with others.
It's too tiring... when I must still pretend to be happy.
And when i show my true self/ feelings, - they stare at me with weird looks.
All their disappointment engraved on their faces.
That vision actually scares me and hate myself all the more.
Hate myself for always leaving suddenly w/o a word.

I guess i will only be happy when evrybody hates me.
Den i can be alone.

All along i have been pretending,
creating a fake self in front of others.

I hate being inferior.
I hate having to check the mirror ten thousand times a day..
I hate being short.
I hate being obese.
I hate being financially invalid.
I hate not being able to help my dad.
I hate seeing him dead-drunken everyday, to mask his difficulties and pain.
All along he'd been the silent, man-of-few-words daddy I've had.
I know he always assures us he's fine.
But this time round... it's nt the same...
He actually shaved down his strong ego, told me face-to-face,
that he had difficulties to pay my school fees.
Mum's..pretty much always disappearing on-off w/o a word. [like me*]

I noe i actually could take up the potpourri of job offers presented to me-roadshows to help with cash.
But... i hate working.
I hate having to be seen, fake-smile, interact with others.

Damn.Insecurities. Inferiority complex. Self-pity.Weak. Excessive thinking.
You have haunted me all my life, isn't it enuf??

And I know i always tend to think too much.
I CAN'T help it.Even till now.
I noe my friends dun hate me but i like to think they do.
So i keep myself away from them.
Thinking it would make me feel better.

And though i always pretend that it doesn't mind...
Every thing/comment you all said, good/bad is actually deeply imprinted in my heart.
And i loathe it to death.
" we are used to u being lidat.leaving w/o a word. going all silent at times. "
" are you ok? "
" aiya..i dunno how to help u."
" will u stop being lidat?"
" i think u shld see a psychiatrist."

I noe i m such an ass.
When ppl criticize me , I force a smile back, but cry in my heart.
When ppl think highly of me, I smile and feel happy and say no, but get even more sick.
Cos i hate to let them down.
Cos i noe beautiful things neva last.
Fairytales dun exist.

Many a times I had tried to face my friends w/o my mask.
But, it always fail in the end.
And in return I bcum even more insecure and dark.
Bcos i simply can't.

W/o my mask- I'm nothing.
I will not speak.
I will not smile.
I will not participate in group discussions or conversations.
I will talk to my doll only bcos it wun judge me.
I will hate humans even more.
I will scare evryone to death.
I will offend everyone.
I wun have a single fren, even fake ones.
I will be so cold-blooded.
- in a way like ur problems are none of my business, y shld i care
- in a i-dun-need-frens pattern, dun care if u leave me. I wun b sad-at-all.

Uds? --- I need my Mask, when i go to school/ hang out with my frens.
W/o my mask- I'm a freak.

I know people who are critical of others are also equally critical with themselves.
But sadly, I m one of them.
And i figured that my friends all are, even worse.
From their comments abt other ppl.

Now, I noe i still have nice frens who uds me.
Thou they try to talk me round, encourage me...in the end i still leave suddenly.
Isn't it?
Damn. Do i have frens?

But still, Thank you my frens. =)


I noe i m so so so super-selfish, bcos there are absolutely no frens who could stand someone like this:

Stick to when i wan them,
push them away when i dun need them.

* this is also y i hurt so many gd frens n..guys.*

Dun forgive me.
Let me be alone.
I noe i m already very lucky that i have my family, and Blythe.
I shldn't ask for more.

=)